Wednesday, January 26, 2011

10 techniques to become an expert (in almost anything)

I learned these ten techniques from careful study and reading. Now I am an expert in almost anything. Let me see, how about the game of bridge?. I can teach those old codgers a thing or two. I don't think there is any such blog yet so it is to my advantage. I can present myself as a "messiah" or "saviour" to the game of bridge. After all there are no world class Malaysian bridge players - I think. I will show what great insights I have, to bring backgammon  I mean , bridge to the next level. It does not matter that I know nothing about bridge. Wait, I know it is played with cards and there are fifty-two cards in a deck. Besides I  am pretty good in chess so I can apply that to bridge. Right?

So without further ado, let me present here the ten techniques. Once you have mastered these ten techniques, you too can be an expert on anything. First create a new blog and give it a fanciful name. Blogs are the in thing nowadays.

#1
Use lots of cliché in your posting. They dont mean anything anyway and it makes others feel you are superior to them. Some good examples -  dont drop the ball, join the dots, shut out the noise.

#2
As much as possible, write everything with a question mark. That way you hide your ignorance. I cannot emphasize enough on how powerful this technique is. Especially when you formulate it in such a way that there are no correct answers. It makes your readers think you know something. Try writing a complete paragraph using questions only.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody saw it , does it make a sound? Did the tree even fall? Was there a tree in the first place? See how I combine this technique and #6  #1?

#3
Ignore what others say, especially if it is logical and makes sense. Logic will shatter the messiah image you are trying to portray. Also ignore anything that contradicts you.

#4 
If #3 don't work, then deflect attention from the issue. You can use #2 and #5 to do this or preferably combine them together. If you can do this, it means you have truly mastered the art of being an expert.

#5
You will find there are two groups of people - those who agree with you and those who disagree.  Call the latter group naysayers and use as negative a description you can think of and smear them with it whenever you have the opportunity. Some suggestions that can be used - poisonous snakes, broken men, bitter , demoralised , cowards, belligerent. You get the idea.

#6
Never admit you are wrong. Even when you know you are. It is a sign of weakness and will affect your image as an expert negatively. If this does not work then claim that the naysayers are deliberately pointing out your mistakes. By mixing truth and lies you confuse your audience and they might even forget you made a mistake.

#7
After every three posts, make some wild and unsubstantiated claims to get some reaction. If other people are not talking about you , you are history. Every public relations guy knows this. There is no such thing as bad publicity. You just need thicker skin.

#8
Create the impression that the naysayers are critising/attacking another group. This deflects from the fact that they are actually only critizing you. An added advantage is that you can gain sympathy by pretending you are defending this group. Some examples - "women and children", "juniors". Use your imagination.


#9
Everything is connected. Apply whatever knowledge you have from other fields to the situation in hand. For example, castling is always important in chess so tell the bridge players to protect their king ,for example  "keep the kings low". If it actually makes some sort of weird sense to them, then that is an added bonus.

#10
The last one but the most important.

"Never let the truth get in the way"

8 comments:

eloman said...

I like this post very much. Btw, anymore new techniques to be an expert in Bridge? May be one day, I too can become a Bridge guru though I do not know much about it. I think I need at least 100 tips for survival as a guru.

Jimmy Liew said...

10 not enough for you? Its tested and true :)

The Chess Ninja said...

Hahaha... awesome stuff :)

eloman said...

10, where go enough? I didn't want people labelling me that I'm talking the same thing from Day 1 though in different ways.

I need varieties so that I can bullet proof myself as a guru. Btw, my aim is to be a top notch guru, so having good varieties for mix and match is important to me.

Btw, one can easily churn-out tip after tip by "mix and match" on existing tips. More fundamental tips are needed so that I can go a long way as a guru.

abdooss said...

Jimmy,
I agree 10 is enough.. even one more and we'll see you in court! :)

Jimmy Liew said...

Eloman, 10 tips are the fundamental ones already, mix all you want. Even God "only" gave Moses 10 commandments. Though Mel Brooks believe it was twenty.

abdooss, i'm very careful with wat I write. self-censorship mah

Simon said...

Somehow I missed this post until your latest post (sept 19) linked to this.

As with most movies, the finale would reveal that the protagonist and antagonist are somehow related like father/son or teacher/student ... and here it does seem FGM is actually your most loyal student!! He is following these 10 techniques almost religiously. I finally realize it is actually Luke Skywalker vs Darth Vader! So, Jimmy, turns out you are the bad guy :P

Jimmy Liew said...

This is one of my most read posts.

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